Could Have Been Worse
by BadWolf106
Summary: This is a one-shot. An attempt for me to get over my irrational dislike of River Song. It looks into the Doctor's first second? meeting with her and how she is different it kind of follows through to the middle part of their companionship.


When he first met her he knew then what they would become. River Song, he had already had a spoiler or two but it didn't make it less interesting. He couldn't fathom, not in the least, how he would ever let himself be that close to someone, anyone. Well…. He thought of Rose for a brief half a milli-second. No. He knew that there was no way he could ever let himself have something that important to him because according to his experience, all 900 years of it, If he allowed himself to love something it became in that moment sure to leave him. Sure to hurt him. Sure to make him more of a monster. Sure to hate himself more. It just seemed there was no way that the Doctor would ever understand how he came to be with River Song before it happened. He was ready for great adventure of his future when the past had already spoiled the ending.

He met her today, River, A bit younger, a bit unsure of herself. It was only a hello really, the typical run for your life routine. Except the way she took his hand, he didn't offer it. The way she kept up with him, as much as a human could, it reminded him of Rose. It is confusing. Knowing that you will fall in love and just waiting for the moment to happen. He didn't ask her to come with him. She didn't beg to come either. He smiled at their goodbye though.

_He was half in and half out of his mysterious blue box and waved a little with a minor movement of his hand. "Doctor." She had said right before he was going to close the door. Of course he peeked out again watching her with that expression that seemed to say, Yes? "Thanks." She told him. He had smiled at that, a complete and full 10th regeneration soul melting smile. "I'll be seeing you around Miss River Song." He said and disappeared in his blue box in a considerably better mood than he was just a few seconds ago. Quickly bounding to his console he set the coordinates into the Tardis and eagerly watched the outside video feed. Utterly disappointed he found that River had already left. The area around the Tardis was empty._

How typical. He wanted to impress her and she wasn't there. He wanted her to see him leave and be in awe. Of course there would be other times, other places, other goodbyes. But somehow it wouldn't be the same. Rose had been there to watch him leave, in the beginning and in the end. River Song though, she didn't see the Tardis leave the first time they met. And she wouldn't see the Tardis at all the last time they will meet. Maybe that was something. Rose saw him leaving, always going away, always somewhere new. River, all she saw was him coming. All she did was thank him instead of saying goodbye.

River Song thanked him for saving her world, not knowing she would sacrifice her life for him. Rose Tyler absorbed the Tardis and he left her in a parallel universe without a choice other than being a babysitter. Martha Jones loved him and left him for an ordinary life. One couldn't much say about Jack. He had been saved by Rose one too many times and now his story didn't have an end. Donna is a half time lord Temp. And the Doctor refuses to tell his name to anyone, hoping one day, he just might forget it himself.

The Doctor sighed. He needed…. Well he didn't quite know but somehow humans have the funniest way of doing the right thing to save him. He kept on giving them the chance and they kept rising to meet the challenge. Of course we are like Band-Aids. We can't cover the wound forever, or make it stop hurting. We are just protection, temporarily guarding against infection. He missed having one around. Watching them go from human to something not quiet namable. Like him, only not alone. They can see space and time. He can show them. He can change them. They wouldn't ever be the same. Except for Donna, Donna was the one who changed and forgotten.

Later it would dawn on the Doctor, at the moment of realization. He loved River Song because she was different, smarter, better. He craved her in the moments where she would tell him that she loved traveling with him, where she would hold him back from destroying himself ,when she would hold his hand, the ghost of another person's hand always fitting a bit better. Most of all he loved her because she was scared. So scared. When she was held hostage the first time, as all of his companions end up being, she begged him to save her, her voice high and hysterical. No tears though. And never complete trust that he could rescue her; it was a challenge to him saying 'Prove yourself'. After that first time she never said anything when she was held hostage. The Doctor knew why after awhile though. She couldn't trust herself enough to open her mouth and not ask the Doctor to save her instead to please make her safe again. She felt like a coward when it happened the first time so she never let it happen again. She was the only one to actually view the life or death situations as life or death situations. She wanted to live. Above all else, even saving the universe, her head would not let her sacrifice herself. She was scared and she wanted to live and yet she stayed silent.

There is so much of Rose in her sometimes he wonders if this is what Rose feels like, dealing with his clone, who isn't really the Doctor. When he told River about Rose all she uttered was a soft 'oh' and then she wouldn't speak to him for a week afterwards. She was infuriated that he always hurt the people that got close enough to hurt him back. That's when she started writing in the journal regularly, when the story of Donna and Rose came out. That's when it hit her; the possibility of death is a lot more appealing than what happened to them. With the Doctor, he chooses your fate. Because of his past he refuses to kill unless forced too, convincing himself that any alternative fate is better. He is a very deluded alien. She would just have to try and fix him. Just picking up where Rose left off. Rose had made him merciful and understanding. Now River's job was to make him a tad more selfish. All and All the Doctor wasn't complaining, mainly because he didn't know what was happening, and River wasn't protesting either. As far as she was concerned she was Post-Rose and therefore she had a lot to live up to. She liked challenges, as long as they didn't involve dying. And both the Doctor and his new companion didn't really think Rose would mind much. After all Bad Wolf had seen this possibility and she smiled.

The Doctor could have done a lot worse than River Song.

--DW--

AN: Ok so yes that is my bit of rambling about River and Rose. At first I was angry, it was the fangirl in me saying NO NO NO Rose is the only one for the doctor if she doesn't get him nobody should! I got over that though. I really want to like River, but I also want the Doctor to love River because he couldn't bring himself to keep Rose. I don't know if I am making sense. You guys should let me know if I am insane or not by clicking that button. You know the one... . Here everyone have a free finale rewrite card! It's almost like a get out of jail free card but BETTER.


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